my worst nightmare

just incase you wanted to know how to scare me alot

oooh also people, i know its a bit silly puttin this on the net but if anyone wants to add me on msn or email me or anything, my email address is: xx.broken_smile.xx@hotmail.com so feel free to add/email me if you know me.

argh things have been a bit weird recently.
aparently i have demons in my legs.
sunday was very strange. i got prayer, i worshiped but still i got this nasty feeling over me like when you are nervous and get butterflys in your stomach and go all cold and tingly.
well that happened so i went outside to chill coz i felt like i realy didnt want to be there at all. so i was standing outside and i got extreamly restless, i couldnt stop walking backwards and farwards. then a massive feeling came over me like i wanted to jump infront of a train. i got scaired and went back in. this got worse over the evening and when we went back to White Stone i felt drained and like i was gonna throw up.
Thea drove me home and we sat in the car outside my house and after we had a talk, she prayed for me. my legs felt like something was ripping them from the inside and up but it didnt want to go up. every time Thea mentioned the Blood of Christ, i felt like throwing up and i had such a nasty feeling all over me. my legs were having random spazms and my heart was going mad. after i said something like, i think it was "i renounce evil in the name of the Lord" i felt a little better so we went in my house. Thea stayed for a long time which was realy cool, and we watched lord of the rings till about half 11.
im feeling better now but not compleatly back. infact i havnt been feeling normal since i left the JA just before i went to canada. i think i need some more deliverence and i know for a fact that Patty needs it too. he was telling me all about how he loves God and all but never feels anything when he prays or when people pray for him, when he sings or whispers to himself in tongues.
id love it if he could feel the Holy Spirit as im always telling him how great it feels but he gets dissapointed that he never feels anything no matter how often he asks. so anyway, im trying to keep on the bright side, ive been reading the new testement every day and writing alot of things in a book and page references ect.
also been listening to the worsip tape Thea lent me non stop. its ace. but yeah i think there is still something in me that hasnt quite left yet.

da daaaa! helo,
not written to my blog in quite some time, think its time for an update...
mood - feelin fine. bit sleepy, still never gettin much sleep.
looking forward to tomoro. gotta be at Whitestone for 9.30?? i think.
we are goin avanjulizing... (sp)
been heading down whitestone quite alot recently, ever sunday at the center.
last sunday was great, finally getting into the swing of things again. had a good worship in the evening. Thea pushed some confidence into me and got me up there singing away. :]
feeling a bit uneasy about that Aaron person. every time i see him i feel realy cold and nervous. realy sick. :[ he scares me.
im sure he is probibly a nice person, but i get so weird when i see him. i dont like it at all.
oh well. cant wait for tomoro. yay! :D

i feel bad

finaly, a new post.
this week has been realy tough for me. not going to go into great detail why.
just a few negative avents and a few people confuzing my brain ect (not hard to do)hmm... wow everyone has been telling me how they love reading my blog, thats quite scairy for me, being me... argh i know what i meen... lol
anyways, ive been requested to write and tell everyone about my old self, as not many people realy knew me before i became a Christian. lets give it a go...

ok ive always been a quiet child, never realy said much for fear of imbarassment ect, never been very good at mixing with people, esp girls, i always found they bitch about eachother way too much and that does my head in. very shy and thoughtfull kid, still am realy. i like being loud and crazy, but it always depends who im with and where i am to what my personality is like realy. im always quiet when i feel uncomfortable. at 11/12 years old i started my new school, imeadiently got in with the wrong croud, but they used to look out for me when other big kids put me down.
withing about 3months i started experimenting with drugs, by the end of that year i was reguly smoking fags and weed on a daily basis.
weekends i would binge drink with my new big friends.
that all changed when they were old anough to leave school. so then i had to make new friends with kids of my own age. i found this realy difficult but found a couple of new mates that asked me to introduce them to the world of drugs and such. so i did. two years ago i fell in love. proper love. say/think what you want, but this guy i absolutly HATE his guts but every time i see him i just wana be with him and try to help him with his problems. i cant let go no matter how i try. anyway me and him were together for a year and it was amazing yet the worst time of my life.
its hard to explain.
i made new friends at the statue, reguly smoked a variety of drugs and drank on every occasion. i got very seriously into wicca (white magik) then satanism and messing around with spirits and the occult. i was into all this for about a year and suffered depression and bi-polar disorder for about 3 years. i self harmed by cutting myself, burning myself, punching myself, stabbing myself and the usual drinking and drug taking.
a year and a half of councilling did nothing for me.
after the dramatic break up in my relationship i decided it was time for a big change. my dad helped me keep off the drugs and drink by locking me in the house for a month and a half. i continued not to take drugs and im still off them now, about 5months later... something like that. Will took me to White Stone for the first time. that changed my life hugely. now i havnt seriously self harmed in a long time and untill last week havnt been feeling suicidal in an even longer time.
ive made some amazing new friends and found a beautiful new family who i love.
ive opened up loads and become so much more confident that ive started to speak my mind, even when im feeling in an uncomfortable environment and i even sing outloud! infront of people!!! lol that is so not me.
ive become braver and stronger and alot loads more happier.
hehehe happy Lan :D
God is good.

"when everything seems like its realy hard,
it meens that God is doing something good,
because satan is trying to distract you from it" ..... Andrew

wow zee weekend was sooo cooool.

saterday i went to town realy early and we did some evangelizum...

(yeah i duno how to spell that)

me and lisa gave out loads of streetpapers and talked to random people

it was so scary at first but we soon reali got into it :D

later we ate food and then went on our march.

it was superdooper!

after that we went back to white stone...

and i stayed there aaaaaallll night! woooooooooo

it was great fun

i shared a room with bethan, who i dont think i had met before. but she was reli cool and great to talk to and we reali got on well which was awsum.



sunday morning i was feeling a bit very sleepy

so i axidently fell alsleep in the orange room, but lisa jumped on me and woke me up

i felt pretty closed up at the morning meeting at the center which was a shame

when it came to the evening meeting, it was way amazing.

at one point i nearly passed out.

Carol prayed for me so i i could open up and relax ect

so i went up the front. i got prayed for again 3 times

then i just felt over-flowed with the Holy Spirit.

i sat and sang and prayed till the meeting was over, then we had to go.

i couldnt go back to white stone coz it was the house members evening thingy

(i know what i meen)

so from there i went with folks to the foyay and to the st and home, ate and went to sleep



zee end

sunday JA evening meeting....

was absolutly electric!!!!!!
the whole day was pretty amazing. went to the morning meeting at the center. me and Lisa got a touch of the Holy Spirit when we were prayed for. it was amazing :D
we had giggle-fits all the way back to White Stone. we ran across the canal basin bridge, screaming at the top of our voices. amazing feeling of freedom and happyness.
back at White Stone everything was good and me and Lisa had about 2 more houres of giggle-fits and the like... lol.

in the afternoon, we went back to the center. after a cup of tea (YAY I LOVE TEA!) i was dragged up the front of the stage to dance and sing. but this is me, i dont do singing, not infront of people anyway, and i didnt kno the tunes to the songs... but regardless, i was singing at the top of my voice, something somehow was just letting me let go. like the old shy me that sits in the corner had just died, and i was someone compleatly different. i was singing and dancing and having an AWSUM time!
we watched the baptisms, it was reali moving :)
im a bit nervous about when it will happen to me, i think id rather be in a river than in a pool in a room full of people. >_<>
i wish i was un-grounded, cuz i wana cum bak to White Stone.
i feel so part of something there, at home is just rubbish, and my mom isnt getting any better.
the statue is only good if certain people are there, and its good to get away from all the usual people by going to White Stone...
i hope all the arguements clear up soon though.

#and now that i know you, i could never turn my back away.

and now that i see you, i could never look away.

now that i know you, i could never turn my back away.

and now that i see you, i believe no matter what they say#

yesterday at whitestone.

it was really good. it took a while, but once again i was filled with the Holy Spirit.
also it was amazing to see someone really close to me get so involved, as he had been feeling so down.
in our "one minit of crazy acts" i went running out of white stone, ran down the road screaming and jumped on the grass, ran up the road again screaming, jumped on the grass and lay on my back, gripping hold of the grass as hard as i could, singing away in tongues!
i felt overfilled and so warm and EXTATIC!!!
when i got up i realised everyone had already gone in... lol

eeeeek g2g now, pringle is here to pick me up to go to the train station.
we're going to the JA center, hopefully ill be seeing some baptisms later.
wooo i can feel today could be a realy good day :D

peace out
xxx